gretchen

my mother was born in millinocket maine, where i was born, and where both my grandparents were born. my grandmother was the director of nursing at the small hosptital and my grandfather was employed by the forest service for as long as i can remember. my uncle, my mothers only brother, still lives in this tiny former mill town. it is know as the "gateway" to baxter state park.

we lived all over the united states when i was a kid, from maine to california and back again. a recent rough count of moves was over 12 before i was in 10th grade. we were not in the miliary. as far from it as probable, in fact. i am not sure if we were running from something, or for it.

in the end, my mom died in colorado. she liked colorado i think, although if she had had a choice, i am not sure she would have been there.

my mom was funny, caring and hard headed. i like to think i am like her.
she was also insecure and often cared too much of what people thought of her. near the end of her life, i think she was lonely and this makes me sad.

today, my mother would have been 56 years old. very young by anyones standards. i miss her very much. i am still surprised at the instinct i have to pick up the phone to tell her some insignificant yet seemingly important bit of my day. there are so many fractions of seconds i think "i have to tell mom...." before my brain delivers the news again and again. there has been no one in my life who has made me feel like my opinion mattered more, or that i am intelligent, and beautiful, and caring and just plain terrific, more than my mother.
thanks to all of you who try.

hindsight is 20/20 and of course now almost 7 years have passed, enabling me to reflect on the things that could have been done differently, things i should have said or done.
in the end, all you are left with are memories, and it is true that time is kind to those who grieve. the hurt falls away leaving only what makes you smile.

happy birthday mom. i miss you.